Why does the pain hurt so much? I don’t understand. Some days are so much better than others. The memories are distant but still present. I don’t bawl at the song on the radio or think I see Mom in a crowd.
But some days…man, all it takes is a tiny thing and wham-o! It feels like my legs have been cut out from underneath me and its all I can do to keep standing up. Some days it feels like I’m drowning beneath the weight of grief.
I felt that way this weekend. So many things happened and it all came crashing down on me. I found out that a dream I had been holding onto would never become a reality. Several friends are going through some rough times and I cannot help them out. I was sick and all I really wanted was my Mom.
I wanted her to come into my room, sit on my bed, stroke my hair and tell me everything was going to be alright. She’d kiss my forehead and tell that Christ is sovereign and He has a purpose as to why I’m going through this. She’d probably quote a Bible verse to back up her statement. And she’d be 110% right.
Mom always pointed me back to Christ. She was my guide through Scripture and she’d help point me to passages that addressed my current situations. I miss that so much. Especially when I need someone to pour my heart out to without fear of rejection, judgment, or shame.
I miss her and I can’t help but wonder why in the world I can go days or weeks without crying and then BAM! I’m a bucket of tears over a memory that wouldn’t have made me cry the day before.
Although the worst is holding my dad in my arms as he sobs. Being the strong one is so hard.
The verse that has been in my head and heart this weekend are, “And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, most gladly will I boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9,10 (bold and italics added).
This has been comforting me this weekend as I realize I am not strong enough to grieve my mom or counsel my friends on my own. Christ is made strong through my weaknesses. He has been showing me through friends and His word that I need to continuously lean on Him for comfort. Even though I wish I had my mom physically with me, He is the one holding my hand and comforting me when no one else can.
He is sovereign over my grief and over my circumstances. He loves me and cares for me, just as much and even more so than my Mom.
Even though I missed her so much this weekend (I’ve not cried this much since her funeral), I know this pain is worthwhile because through my weakness, I am made strong through the strength of Christ.