My Broken Heart On Christmas…

I didn’t think it’d be so hard. I thought if maybe I didn’t think about it, if I just kept busy enough, pushed myself to exhaustion to where my mind was too tired to face reality, that maybe, just maybe this Christmas would feel like any other.

But it doesn’t.

Without Momma, this Christmas has felt empty as if something very precious has disappeared. Well it has. Momma’s sparkling eyes and ready smile were especially missed as my dad and younger brother decorated the tree a few weeks ago.

Momma usually was in charge of our homes Christmas makeover every year, but since she isn’t with us, its now my job. I had pulled a wreath from our storage boxes and didn’t remember where it went. Out of habit, I turned towards the couch where she had occupied the last few years to ask her where it was supposed to go, only to remember that there’d be no response.

Silent tears fell down my face, just like they are doing right now. How desperately I want this Christmas to fell like every other one.

But it doesn’t.

It doesn’t feel the same because the one person in my family who loved Christmas so much isn’t here. Momma’s love of Christ was evident throughout the year but even more so during the Christmas season.

She had a book that explained the Christian roots behind each holiday and in it she kept a record each holiday and in it it she kept a record of which kid got to light the first advent candle, who got to put the star on the tree, and who got to put the first ornament on. She hated tinsel {she thought it was tacky} but because Dad and us kids loved it, she compromised and let us have it every OTHER year.

I couldn’t bring myself to ask if this was tinsel year, even though I know she would have let us put it on.

It doesn’t feel like Christmas.

I’ve been struggling so much this season seeing family and friends Christmas cards. Seeing their smiling faces as they wish one and all a “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays”. It makes me want to scream, “How can you be happy? Can you not see my pain, my silent tears I try so desperately to hide from you when you ask my how I’m doing? Do my eyes not show how my soul cries out for my mother, like a scared, lost little girl? Am I so good at acting like I’m doing okay that you can no longer tell that I’m lying through my teeth and I just need someone to say, “No. You’re not okay’ and wrap me in a hug. Can you not see me through your smiles, laughter, and joy?”

I know it’s not fair for me to feel this way. I honestly don’t begrudge people their families. I just wish mine was like theirs. If I could have any wish granted on Christmas Day, my wish would be to have my Dad’s smile reach his eyes again, for my brother to have his confidant back, and for me to have someone to kiss their forehead goodnight again.

It should feel like Christmas, but it doesn’t.

I know so many people have it worse than I do. I really do know that. It’s just harder to get through ones own pain to be able to acknowledge someone else’s.

I pray this Christmas would pass quickly and that in the years to come, the Christmases of the future would hurt a little less and will eventually be full of joy again. Its how she’d want it. ..

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About natmott95

I'm a young woman who is discovering life and all the joys and sorrows that come with it. I invite you to come along on my journey and grow with me as I struggle through issues I'm dealing with, search out the truth of matters, and start to understand the way my heart works. Come on my journey and share with me the experience that its through the Lord's grace that I am able to live this life.
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