Insecurity in Friendships

Do you ever feel like your friendship with someone is one sided and its all on your side? You’re never sure if your friend is really your friend or if they care about you at all?

Sometimes I feel this way. I feel like I am always the friend who ask how they’re doing, listens to their problems, and offers to hang out with them.

It feels like I do all the work in the friendship and they simply take me for granted.

I would like to be asked how I’m doing. I would like to have someone really care about and listen to my problems and feelings. I’d really like it if someone were to call me up out of the  blue and invite me to lunch to talk or simply hang out.

But I’m rarely people’s first choice, the one being asked those things because I am usually the one who does those to others.

I know that sounds extremely prideful and very arrogant. Please don’t get me wrong. I am NOT trying to puff myself up or be applauded as being the perfect friend. I’m not.  And I’m also not complaining about my friends either. I’m simply trying to express a sense of longing to belong or feel wanted by the people I love and care deeply about.

I guess another way to put it is that I feel very insecure in my friendships sometimes.

Many people confide in me. I don’t know why, but they do.  However, being everyone’s confidant has its drawbacks. Mainly, there is no one for me to turn to and tell my troubles to. I don’t understand why its like that.

It makes me wonder, am I just too insecure and do I care too much of what people think of me that I cannot let someone in to see the real me?

Whenever I get close to telling someone how I’m truly doing, the words clog up in my throat. Its happened multiple times. They feel like lead, clogging up my throat to the point where its hard to swallow. I cannot let them out.

But why am I like this? Is it because I fear many of my friends don’t really care? That I’m simply their friend but they are not mine? Am I too caught up in what others think of me to let the walls I’ve built up come crashing down?

I don’t know…

Sometimes, I really want to be someone else. I want to be a different me; a combination of the qualities I admire in all my friends. I want to be my friend who all the guys inevitably fall for {not the girl every guy sees as a good buddy}. I want to be my friend who always has a witty retort. I want to be my friend who is passionate and has an opinion about everything. I want to be my friend who is outgoing and welcomes those outside the friend group. I want to be my friend who’s intelligence far surpasses my own. I want to be my friend who is bold and never afraid to take charge and lead. To be my friend who quiet and godly. Or the friend who is always ready to laugh and include you on the joke.

But I’m nothing like them. I’m loud, obnoxious, annoying, clingy and brash. I say things without thinking. I feel like sometimes I have to fight to be heard. I don’t know if they truly like me or are just being nice and tolerating me.

its these fears and insecurities that cause me to wonder if I truly have friends or am I just kidding myself into believing that I do.

I have three friends outside my family who I can count on for anything. I used to have five, but I’ve lost two of those friendships over the pas year {which hurts beyond belief}.

I don’t know anymore. Am I wrong or right? Either way, I feel like I’m left with the same thought, are my friends truly invested in our friendship or am I overly clingy to the point where I feel the need that someone must invest back into me otherwise I am not valued? I just don’t know what’s the truth and if there’s anything to be done about it…

These insecurities are consuming me and I don’t know how to change them…

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About natmott95

I'm a young woman who is discovering life and all the joys and sorrows that come with it. I invite you to come along on my journey and grow with me as I struggle through issues I'm dealing with, search out the truth of matters, and start to understand the way my heart works. Come on my journey and share with me the experience that its through the Lord's grace that I am able to live this life.
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