My Heart Weeps

Why are family members the hardest people to get along with? Why is it they bring us the most pain? Is it because our love for them runs so deep that when they hurt us physically and emotionally, we stagger to comprehend it?

I don’t understand why this happens. My family is so fractured right now. I’m caught in the middle…I’m forced to choose sides between two people that I love dearly; one I relate to in almost every single way and one that I struggle to understand because they are different from me.

The one family member I have a hard time relating to constantly frustrates me. I try so hard to be patient and listen to him explain his side of the story to me. I try to understand where he’s coming from, to get all the facts of the matter before coming to a conclusion/opinion. But no matter how much I try to reason with him, he won’t listen to me. He doesn’t want to take my counsel or that of anyone else’s (because he doesn’t need counseling – he’s got this on his own!). I know I can’t make him change, only God is capable of that, but my heart cries out for him to just listen for once! To see through his arrogance, selfishness, and self-pitying attitude. He’s grappling with tough decisions right now, so I know he’s  going through a lot…but why does it hurt so much when he tells you to your face “I just don’t care about the family anymore”. My heart is broken and my soul weeps for the family I once had.

I act as the mediator for the arguments within my family. But I get so tired of being manipulated and pulled between the two people I love. My heart is burdened by this weight of discord. We proclaim ourselves to be Christians yet we cannot seem to live at peace in our own home. The Bible clearly states that we are to “if possible, live at peace with one another” (Romans 12:18). We cannot even do that. 

Sure, on the outside we look like the triumphant family who has come through adversity together and survived; but really, if you were to look past our carefully painted on smiles, you would see that we are all drowning, drowning in a sea of loneliness, anger, fear, and doubt. 
I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel for my family. These past two weeks have been some of the hardest for me since I lost my mom. I’m literally broken. I don’t know what to do or how to react. I’m tore because my family is torn. How do I help pick up the shattered pieces of what was once a happy family and try to put them back together. 
I feel like my family is a glass vase and it was dropped and shattered into millions of pieces. I took the pieces and put them slowly back together while getting small nicks on my hands. And with each successive argument that has taken place within my home, the glass vase keeps getting shattered and my hands bleed a little more as I try to mend it.

I think either the vase has finally broken beyond repair or my hands are just too bloody to hold the pieces anymore. I don’t know…

Oh God, what do I do? How did this happen? Oh Lord above, please help me. I’m a broken vessel myself…help me put  the pieces back together once more.

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About natmott95

I'm a young woman who is discovering life and all the joys and sorrows that come with it. I invite you to come along on my journey and grow with me as I struggle through issues I'm dealing with, search out the truth of matters, and start to understand the way my heart works. Come on my journey and share with me the experience that its through the Lord's grace that I am able to live this life.
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