You don’t know how many times I’ve started to write here again but stopped. I’d open my laptop to start typing and my fingers would just freeze over the keys. I knew what I wanted to say but I just couldn’t get the words to come. All of what was in my brain stayed trapped there for such a long time with no way to escape.
Well, not any more. So where to begin?
For some time now, I’ve really wanted to write about grief. What it feels like, how I’m dealing (or not dealing) with it, how it effects people differently, what it looks like from a daughter’s perspective, etc. I even did some searching the web for other blogs where the authors disclosed their own thoughts about grief. It gave me confirmation that what I was going through was normal and not at all unusual. It was refreshing to hear their stories and read about their healing process and how much writing about it helped speed their recovery. I also had a dear friend encourage me to pick writing back up. She encouraged me that it would give me a place to explore my feelings and process what I was going through. With all that in mind, I knew I wanted to start writing again…I just couldn’t seem to find the words. I still wrestle with the question that what could possibly qualify me to share about grief when I still struggle so much with trying to process my own? I am often still confused by everything that’s happened to me. The 2nd year has been so much harder for me than I could have ever expected. But part of me thinks that is what qualifies me. I’m still in the dark places of grief. I haven’t healed; I’m not anywhere close to being done. And that’s ok. I get to work through what I’m feeling here. This is the place where I get to process what’s happened and what continues to happen in my life.
I’ll go into more depth about why its been harder for me later on, but I never ever realized that this 2nd year without my mom would effect me so much. I had heard that for some people the 2nd year is the worst. You’d think that the first would be the worst. You know, all the birthdays, Mother’s day, graduations, weddings, holidays are all the first ones without your loved one. So once we got over the 1st year, I mistakenly thought “Whew! All the firsts are behind us. Now we can move on towards healing”(side note, even if you get through all the major firsts, there are a lot of little firsts you didn’t even think about). I thought I was over the major portion of grieving my mom’s death.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
The past two months specifically have been at the same level of grief as the first couple of weeks following mom’s death. I have shed more tears in the past two months than I have this entire year combined. For me, grief has been like going to a theme park. Some days I feel like I’m on a huge roller coaster. The loss hits me so hard it feels like I’m going to throw up with all the G-force that’s hitting my stomach. Some days it’s like I’m at the beginning of the roller coaster (the click-click-click part) where I know the drop is coming but I just can’t see when it’ll happen. And other days, its like I’m on a merry-go-round; there are just little moments of up and down times where I’ll have memory or something that my mom used to say or do will come to mind and the tears just spring up. Nothing big, just small little bumps. I never know what the day will bring. And honestly, that is really exhausting. But its where I’m at right now and I’m ok with that.
I’ve learned over the past couple of weeks that not everyone heals as soon as other people. Friends and family tell me its ok that I still cry myself to sleep some nights when it seems like others have moved on. And just because other people have grieved and moved on, I shouldn’t have to feel pressured to be at a place where I’m not yet. I’m grateful for those people, the ones who have reassured me that I’m not crazy for processing everything so much more slowly than others.
I know some of this sounds really cryptic. I will explain what I’m talking about…it just won’t be in this post. I needed to write out the beginning for myself again. To remind me why I’m starting to blog again. I want to heal. I want to be at peace with everything that’s happening to me. I want to be able to move on…it’s just going to take some time. Time and an effort to explore how I’m feeling and use my blog as a platform to process everything.
I appreciate you reading this far and hanging with me while I share with you a tiny portion of what’s going on in my life. Thank you for listening and being there. I appreciate your patience and kindness in letting me work through my grief on my blog. It means a lot that you will read what I’m writing.
So thank you…