I’m sad tonight. Its not a “I had a bad day” sad or “this movie is such a tear-jerker” sad…its a deep, bone weary sad. A sad that makes you want to just sleep until you’re sad no more.
Have you ever felt that way before? Have you ever been so sad that you are like a zombie, walking around with no other feeling in your heart than sadness and it makes it hard to do anything worthwhile? That’s me tonight.
Like I have mentioned before, these past two months have been hard for me. If you’ve read anything I previously written you understand what I’m talking about. A little bit into why I’m sad this evening is the fact that I’m having a rough patch with my dad. This is not normal for us. We haven’t honest to goodness talked in almost 2 weeks. This is the longest time I’ve gone without speaking to him. And my heart is absolutely breaking. My dad and I are so similar. We have the same humor, the same sense of justice, we balance each other out with compassion and righteous indignation, there really isn’t anything we can’t talk to each other about, and we love to pick on each other (just to name a few of our shared traits). We have a really special father-daughter bond, one that I think is strengthened because I’m the only daughter. Because of the similarities we share, we always have a good time with one another. To put it in a Grey’s Anatomy sense, he’s my person. And its because of this that my heart is breaking. I want to be able to talk freely to him again. I miss having such a close relationship with him; its not the same when you’re estranged from someone you love.
I haven’t spoken to him in almost two weeks because last week, I left home to stay with some friends. I needed some time and space to clear my head and gain perspective over a situation (more on that later) before I talked to my dad about it but he ended up going on vacation for a few days before we resolved anything. I hadn’t seen him in 10 days. 10 really long days. Days, me as a daughter, have had to endured without seeing or really speaking to him, the one person in the world I have the most common ground with and who I love the most. Its been really hard. Especially because of all the tension between us.*
As you can imagine, all this has weighed heavily on my mind. Tonight was the first time in 10 days I saw him and I just couldn’t bring myself to look at him. All the hurt and pain the situation has caused me over the past 10 days came rushing to the surface and I felt like I was reliving it all over again. He wanted to talk about it but I wasn’t ready, even though I thought I would be. I keep getting a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach when I think about having that confrontational talk with him. Anyways, by the time I was ready to talk, he’d already made plans. Later in the evening he texted me and wanted to know if I’d be home tomorrow because a friend of his was coming over to cook dinner. I said I’d be somewhere studying with a friend and wouldn’t be home for dinner to which, of course, he wanted to know why our home Wi-Fi wasn’t good enough. To be completely honest, I let him know that I didn’t want to be around him until we had a chance to talk through what’s been going on between us. I also didn’t want to have to sit down with company and pretend like nothing was wrong when (in my world) everything is most certainly not ok. He never responded back and so my dad and I have yet to resolve our differences.
This really sucks…I’m so ready to not be sad, to stop “not talking” to him, and I’m mostly ready to work through this situation with him and start working towards the semblance of our old relationship.
I really miss my dad…
I know that there are two sides to every story and this is only a small portion of the larger tale and again, its all coming from me. I haven’t heard his side; I don’t know where he’s coming from or how he’s feeling. I don’t know if he’s been as emotionally effected by this as I have. I’m just really praying he will be willing to work through this with me. Is it selfish to hope that he misses me as much as I do him? I don’t know…all I do know is that I miss my dad.
Anyways, that’s all I had. I know that seems really depressing. But its where I’m at today. I want to be honest with how I’m feeling as I write because its easier to work with honest feelings than those I try to trick myself into thinking I feel. So…thanks for reading this post tonight. I appreciate the time you took to understand my hear this evening.
*The reason for me needing space and the situation between my dad and I are a topic for a different post because this one was already getting to be too long.*