Sneak Peak Into My Life

How’s it going? Sorry its been over a couple of weeks since I’ve written. I’ve made several mental notes to sit down and write but each time I try to, something inevitably comes up! Between school and work and planning a vacation with my brothers (eeekkk!!!), I’ve not had much time to write.

I have also been meaning to say something though… Just because I will be using this platform to work through how I’m dealing with grief, its not the only thing I’ll be talking about. 🙂 I wanna be able to talk about all aspects of my life here. That includes work, school, family, trips, and emotions! I just don’t want you to think that all I will ever be talking about is grieving.

So all that to say…I’ve been crazy busy. I work full time as a receptionist at a Volkswagen dealership. I really enjoy my job (even though its slow most of the time!) but the people I work with are what makes it so awesome. Between the sales team, managers, service and parts advisors and techs, the VW team community is strong. We are like a family! We just hosted our first ever VW car show complete with trophies and prizes. It was so fun to see our local community come out and tour the cars. I know I had a blast.

School is also crazy busy! (I know I say that a lot but its so true for my life right now). My friends and I are taking two online classes together; intro to accounting and macroeconomics. Let me be honest when I say that I hate macroeconomics. I am not good at it nor do I understand why it is important. 🙂 However, I am loving accounting! I love how its not math-math (those who aren’t good at math know what I mean!). It all has to balance at the end and if it doesn’t, you just have to back track to figure out why not! I love it! Its refreshing compared to macroeconomics. I’m also taking biology for non-science majors along with a lab class too. I am surprisingly enjoying the biology even though I’m not overly enthusiastic about science in general. I’m your more English-literature-history-music type of gal. The last class I’m taking this semester is a Hatha Yoga class for my PE credit. I LOVE YOGA SO MUCH!!! It is definitely a full body work out but I love it. 😉

I’m also planning a vacation for my brothers and I. We’re going to Pennsylvania for a childhood friend’s wedding and then going to NYC for a couple of days and I can’t tell you how excited I am! I’ll write more about it later and I’ll also include pictures from our trip. I am so ready for a vacation! My older brother who is in the Navy will be flying in to join us and I haven’t seen him in over a year. That is the best part of the trip I think…getting to spend time with both brothers while touring amazing, historical cities!!!

Okay…well, I think that’s all I will say tonight. You’ve gotten a itty-bitty glance into my busy schedule! Gotta run now… Ciao!

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The Story: Part 1

Hi there!

So I left you last time wondering what was going on with me. I’d like to tell you about it. Actually, what I’m about to say is super important in understanding my grief. I’m going to be breaking up the collective story into different sections. It’s too much to talk about in one post. Plus, this will give me the time and space to work through things more slowly and deeply. Please understand that when I talk people in my posts, I love them dearly. I don’t want people to think I hate my family or that my family is horrible. I’m trying to process my emotions and experiences and for me to do that, I have to be honest about what’s happened. Anything I say here is me working through my life and its only ever from my prospective and sometimes my perspective is wrong. This is just the place I get to work through my end. I would like for you to understand that. I love my family so much and even though its those we love that hurt us the most, loving them is more important. So let’s talk about part 1…

It started about 3 months ago. My dad found a really wonderful gal and they started dating. Now that might not seem like such a big deal to some people, but when you’ve lost a loved one, its hard to imagine anything will ever be right again – much less you or a family member will find someone else to love. It’d been 14 months since my mom passed away. It was still pretty raw for me but at the time I thought I had a decent handle on how I was doing. (think again)

My dad is really happy with this gal. I hadn’t seen him so happy since before my mom got sick (7 very long years ago). He hadn’t laughed, smiled often, or had so much fun with another person in that span of time. Please don’t get the idea that he didn’t love and adore my mom. He did and still does… A little background on my dad: from the time my mom was diagnosed with Stage IV Breast Cancer, my dad worked a full time job, lost his job and was jobless for a year, got another job, took my mom to her holistic treatments when she couldn’t drive anymore, cooked for us, cleaned for us, and when the dinner plate sized tumor got so bad that it erupted through her breast and she didn’t have the strength to leave her bed, he would wake up at 5 am – wake my mom up – change her bandages that covered the tumor – put on new bandages – go to work in downtown Dallas – work a full time job – come home – cook – care for mom – do her bandages again at 10 om – go to bed afterwards only to get up the next morning and do it all over again and again until the day she breathed her last breath…and I barely scratched the surface of how he was superman during those years.

So please believe me when I say I know very few people who deserve to be happy more than my dad.

I really wanted my dad to be happy. I worried about him being alone when my brother and I moved out. I even started praying that God would bring someone into his life, so when he told us that he’d met someone, I wanted to support him. He deserved the chance to be happy again and we could clearly see this lady made him that again. My brother and I welcomed her into our home and tried our best to make her part of our family because she was dating our dad. Only…I had no idea how this would effect me. I know this will make me sound like a shallow and selfish person, but I realized I wasn’t ready for him to be happy.

He had gone through a grief counseling class and two counselors over the year that my mom died. He was able to come to terms with her death and be able to move on. So when he met his girlfriend, he was ready to commit to their relationship. He spent a ton of time with her like you’d expect in any new relationship. She was coming over a lot and he was going to her place a lot. Lots of texts and calls and romantic outings…which left me and Samuel home alone most nights. Mostly me, as Samuel worked most nights.

I started to feel neglected. It made me miss my mom. I couldn’t help but think that if she just hadn’t died, dad wouldn’t be dating this lady and I wouldn’t feel neglected. If she hadn’t died, we could all be together and happy again. I was hurting because I would see this woman in my mom’s house, using my mom’s things, and it would hurt me because I knew I’d never get to see my mom do the very things she was doing. And just to clarify, it is not her fault for me feeling this way. She is a wonderful woman who really cares for us. She especially cares how Samuel and I are feeling. She tries so hard to be respectful of us; she doesn’t want to offend us or make us feel uncomfortable and I really, really respect her for that. So it’s definitely not her fault for bringing up these feelings in me.

She just happens to be the catalyst that brought the feelings to the surface. It would have happened with any other lady…I know that. It doesn’t make it easier though. I struggled for a while with feeling like our dad was neglecting us. The more I struggled with that, the more I began to realize that I wasn’t over my mom’s death. It made me realize that all that time when I thought I was getting over the grief, I really had been suppressing it. And not being able to talk to my dad about it because he was gone all the time with his girlfriend made it harder.

I don’t know if you’ve gathered this or not…but I’m not the warm and fuzzy type who can share their feelings easily. I’m more like a volcano; I push my emotions down and down and down until one day, they all come bubbling up to the surface. I know…its not healthy. That’s just how I’ve operated all my life. To give you an example…about a month ago, I kind of exploded. It had been a really hard week for me. I had been in a bad car accident, I was dealing with all the grief and still struggling with feeling neglected. Dad had been helping me deal with the insurance companies and whatnot, but one afternoon he snapped at me and I just broke down crying. Dad doesn’t usually get angry at me…so when he did, I felt like I was being a burden to him. We yelled at each other a bit and then didn’t really talk for the next day or so. When we finally sat down to talk about why we had shut each other out, I tried to explain to him that I was feeling neglected.

Unfortunately, the conversation did not turn out like I’d hoped. Dad told me I was being selfish for feeling neglected. He said that for the first 6 months after my mom died, Samuel and I left him home alone while we’d go do our own things. He was left home alone to cry and grieve by himself and now that he finally has someone to be with, I was being selfish for feeling neglected. Looking back now, I can understand where he was coming from. I would be the same way had our positions been reversed. But at the time, I was hurt because it wasn’t that I didn’t want him to be happy. It just felt to me like we were being replaced. I was used to my brothers going through this with their girlfriends but not my dad. The  conclusion he came to was not what I had meant at all. I meant that I only felt neglected because we didn’t get to see him much anymore. I work a full time job and am a full time student so the only times I get to see my family are nights and he’d always be gone with her. I only meant I felt neglected because he no longer seemed to have time for us.

To wrap up Part 1, I learned through that circumstance that even though we both felt something completely different, its not ok to completely shut someone else’s feelings down. If you do that, you risk them every wanting to share their feelings with you again. I confronted my dad about this circumstance earlier this week and I explained why that hurt me. He listened to my feelings this go around and I’m so thankful that he took it well and apologized for shutting me down. This was super important to me because as I’m grieving, I need someone I am not afraid will criticize me for feeling neglected or hurt or angry or whatever it is I am feeling. I’m grateful he’s happy and further along the road to healing than I am because now he is able to reach back and pull me up when I fall down.

Ok…so I know that probably seems really random but I promise its only Part 1. There will be more but this section was only the beginning of what I imagine will be a long story. Thanks for hanging out here with me tonight.

~N

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“He’s My Person”

Hey there…

I’m sad tonight. Its not a “I had a bad day” sad or “this movie is such a tear-jerker” sad…its a deep, bone weary sad. A sad that makes you want to just sleep until you’re sad no more.

Have you ever felt that way before? Have you ever been so sad that you are like a zombie, walking around with no other feeling in your heart than sadness and it makes it hard to do anything worthwhile? That’s me tonight.

Like I have mentioned before, these past two months have been hard for me. If you’ve read anything I previously written you understand what I’m talking about. A little bit into why I’m sad this evening is the fact that I’m having a rough patch with my dad. This is not normal for us. We haven’t honest to goodness talked in almost 2 weeks. This is the longest time I’ve gone without speaking to him. And my heart is absolutely breaking. My dad and I are so similar. We have the same humor, the same sense of justice, we balance each other out with compassion and righteous indignation, there really isn’t anything we can’t talk to each other about, and we love to pick on each other (just to name a few of our shared traits). We have a really special father-daughter bond, one that I think is strengthened because I’m the only daughter. Because of the similarities we share, we always have a good time with one another. To put it in a Grey’s Anatomy sense, he’s my person. And its because of this that my heart is breaking. I want to be able to talk freely to him again. I miss having such a close relationship with him; its not the same when you’re estranged from someone you love.

I haven’t spoken to him in almost two weeks because last week, I left home to stay with some friends. I needed some time and space to clear my head and gain perspective over a situation (more on that later) before I talked to my dad about it but he ended up going on vacation for a few days before we resolved anything. I hadn’t seen him in 10 days. 10 really long days. Days, me as a daughter, have had to endured without seeing or really speaking to him, the one person in the world I have the most common ground with and who I love the most. Its been really hard. Especially because of all the tension between us.*

As you can imagine, all this has weighed heavily on my mind. Tonight was the first time in 10 days I saw him and I just couldn’t bring myself to look at him. All the hurt and pain the situation has caused me over the past 10 days came rushing to the surface and I felt like I was reliving it all over again. He wanted to talk about it but I wasn’t ready, even though I thought I would be. I keep getting a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach when I think about having that confrontational talk with him. Anyways, by the time I was ready to talk, he’d already made plans. Later in the evening he texted me and wanted to know if I’d be home tomorrow because a friend of his was coming over to cook dinner. I said I’d be somewhere studying with a friend and wouldn’t be home for dinner to which, of course, he wanted to know why our home Wi-Fi wasn’t good enough. To be completely honest, I let him know that I didn’t want to be around him until we had a chance to talk through what’s been going on between us. I also didn’t want to have to sit down with company and pretend like nothing was wrong when (in my world) everything is most certainly not ok. He never responded back and so my dad and I have yet to resolve our differences.

This really sucks…I’m so ready to not be sad, to stop “not talking” to him, and I’m mostly ready to work through this situation with him and start working towards the semblance of our old relationship.

I really miss my dad…

I know that there are two sides to every story and this is only a small portion of the larger tale and again, its all coming from me. I haven’t heard his side; I don’t know where he’s coming from or how he’s feeling. I don’t know if he’s been as emotionally effected by this as I have. I’m just really praying he will be willing to work through this with me. Is it selfish to hope that he misses me as much as I do him? I don’t know…all I do know is that I miss my dad.

Anyways, that’s all I had. I know that seems really depressing. But its where I’m at today. I want to be honest with how I’m feeling as I write because its easier to work with honest feelings than those I try to trick myself into thinking I feel. So…thanks for reading this post tonight. I appreciate the time you took to understand my hear this evening.

So long…
~N

*The reason for me needing space and the situation between my dad and I are a topic for a different post because this one was already getting to be too long.*

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The 2nd Year

You don’t know how many times I’ve started to write here again but stopped. I’d open my laptop to start typing and my fingers would just freeze over the keys. I knew what I wanted to say but I just couldn’t get the words to come. All of what was in my brain stayed trapped there for such a long time with no way to escape.

Well, not any more. So where to begin?

For some time now, I’ve really wanted to write about grief. What it feels like, how I’m dealing (or not dealing) with it, how it effects people differently, what it looks like from a daughter’s perspective, etc. I even did some searching the web for other blogs where the authors disclosed their own thoughts about grief. It gave me confirmation that what I was going through was normal and not at all unusual. It was refreshing to hear their stories and read about their healing process and how much writing about it helped speed their recovery. I also had a dear friend encourage me to pick writing back up. She encouraged me that it would give me a place to explore my feelings and process what I was going through. With all that in mind, I knew I wanted to start writing again…I just couldn’t seem to find the words. I still wrestle with the question that what could possibly qualify me to share about grief when I still struggle so much with trying to process my own? I am often still confused by everything that’s happened to me. The 2nd year has been so much harder for me than I could have ever expected. But part of me thinks that is what qualifies me. I’m still in the dark places of grief. I haven’t healed; I’m not anywhere close to being done. And that’s ok. I get to work through what I’m feeling here. This is the place where I get to process what’s happened and what continues to happen in my life.

I’ll go into more depth about why its been harder for me later on, but I never ever realized that this 2nd year without my mom would effect me so much. I had heard that for some people the 2nd year is the worst. You’d think that the first would be the worst. You know, all the birthdays, Mother’s day, graduations, weddings, holidays are all the first ones without your loved one. So once we got over the 1st year, I mistakenly thought “Whew! All the firsts are behind us. Now we can move on towards healing”(side note, even if you get through all the major firsts, there are a lot of little firsts you didn’t even think about). I thought I was over the major portion of grieving my mom’s death.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

The past two months specifically have been at the same level of grief as the first couple of weeks following mom’s death. I have shed more tears in the past two months than I have this entire year combined. For me, grief has been like going to a theme park. Some days I feel like I’m on a huge roller coaster. The loss hits me so hard it feels like I’m going to throw up with all the G-force that’s hitting my stomach. Some days it’s like I’m at the beginning of the roller coaster (the click-click-click part) where I know the drop is  coming but I just can’t see when it’ll happen. And other days, its like I’m on a merry-go-round; there are just little moments of up and down times where I’ll have memory or something that my mom used to say or do will come to mind and the tears just spring up. Nothing big, just small little bumps. I never know what the day will bring. And honestly, that is really exhausting. But its where I’m at right now and I’m ok with that.

I’ve learned over the past couple of weeks that not everyone heals as soon as other people. Friends and family tell me its ok that I still cry myself to sleep some nights when it seems like others have moved on. And just because other people have grieved and moved on, I shouldn’t have to feel pressured to be at a place where I’m not yet. I’m grateful for those people, the ones who have reassured me that I’m not crazy for processing everything so much more slowly than others.

I know some of this sounds really cryptic. I will explain what I’m talking about…it just won’t be in this post. I needed to write out the beginning for myself again. To remind me why I’m starting to blog again. I want to heal. I want to be at peace with everything that’s happening to me. I want to be able to move on…it’s just going to take some time. Time and an effort to explore how I’m feeling and use my blog as a platform to process everything.

I appreciate you reading this far and hanging with me while I share with you a tiny portion of what’s going on in my life. Thank you for listening and being there. I appreciate your patience and kindness in letting me work through my grief on my blog. It means a lot that you will read what I’m writing.

So thank you…
~N

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Busy Busy Busy

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Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. It’s been crazy around my house.

I started a Maymester class through college and it’s got a lot of information (what do I expect when I take a business computers applications class in 11 days!). But I’m enjoying learning all about IT and all the acronyms that go along with it.

My little brother has been in and out of the ER and doctors offices the past week and a half for a weird inflammation/infection in the lymph glands of his neck. It’s crazy the amount of medicine and steroids he’s on right now to ease the pain and heal the inflammation/infection.

My dad keeps busy shuffling me and Samuels schedules plus doing odd jobs around the house. He is literally the best dad on the planet y’all. I can’t help but feel sad that you all don’t have my dad for a dad. He is THE BEST around. The amount of things he does for us is incredible. He is sweet and kind. On the 11th (one year to the day mom passed away), he printed 75 photos out of mom and/or us with her and pasted them to multicolored paper. Each one had a message on it and he taped them to the wall from our upstairs to our downstairs. See? That is just a glimpse of how awesome he is.

So yeah…it’s been a busy few weeks for our family. I really want to write about about fear and prayer (two things I have been thinking about lately) in the upcoming weeks so hang tight for those.

Talk to you soon!

-N

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1 Year Anniversary 

Today has been rough, to say the least. 

I knew as I opened my eyes this morning as my alarm clock went off that today was going to be different. More somber and tearful than most.


You see, a year ago today, my Mom stepped over the threshold of Heaven and beheld her beloved Prince of Peace. No longer was her body tormented by the years of painful disease that snaked it’s way from her tissues into her bones and organs. No longer was she bound to a sin filled life. She was freed to worship her Creator and King for all eternity. Her voice was used that day to sing His praises like she’d do when we listened to worship music at home.

So yes, today was rough.

But I have been blessed immeasurably today by the friends who reached out to me, sharing some memories of my mom or just simply telling me they are still praying for me or letting me come hang out at their house when I really didn’t want to be home and alone with my tears.

God works in mysterious ways. I will never know why He chose to allow my mom to get cancer or why He did not heal her like I prayed for daily. But I know through this past year (by far the most trying year emotionally, physically, and spiritually that I’ve ever faced), I have had to grow I ways I could never have imagined before. I know that even though the tears still come and I still cry when I think of all that is yet to come and how my mom won’t be there to share it with me, I know that His plan is good. 

Whatever I face, I know two things: 1) God is using whatever it is for my good in order to make me more like Christ and 2) He will never leave me nor forsake me. Even when it feels like I am walking alone, I can know and rely upon the those two facts.

So…Even though I miss my mom so much and my heart aches to hear her voice again and to kiss her forehead goodnight one last time, I know she is in a much better place and she would not come back for the world. Who could begrudge someone that?

I love you Mom… 05/11/2016

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Picking Up Where I Left Off…

ink-pen-paperHello…

After taking a little over a month off from writing, I’m happy that I’m back at it. I think the break was just what I needed to gain some perspective on my life. Since my mom’s death, it has seemed like one thing after another has hit my family in waves and I’ll admit it, I was angry that it was happening and I wasn’t responding in the right way. I apologize for that.

During that time, I was not walking daily with the Lord nor seeking His guidance as to what was going on in my life. I couldn’t understand why this was happening to my family and I took out my frustration in my blog. Several people who care deeply about me pointed out to me that what I was doing wasn’t the proper way to handle the stress and turmoil. While I didn’t like that they were right, I also didn’t like how I was behaving and that is why I decided to take a break from blogging.

Because I was not consistently in the Word of God over the past year, it seemed to me that every waking moment was off; nothing was happening as it was supposed to. I had no desire to be in the Word or to pray. Church had become some place to see friends and catch up on the week. I didn’t like that this is the type of Christian I had become. So I decided I would seek counseling from a lovely lady at my church. I wanted someone who could help me walk through and understand the emotions I was experiencing, give me advice on what was going on in my family, and just be the older woman who taught the younger woman like in 1 Tim for me. I have been so blessed to have her counsel, encouragement, and challenges over the past couple of months. It has meant so much to me to have her quietly listen to me ramble, cry with me, or laugh with me. God has been using our meetings to work in my heart and awaken me to the fact that I need a more consistent quiet time with Him, to actively pray more, and to be more open to how He is working through others and in my heart.

I am so thankful for where I am in life, right at this moment. Even though my family and I are coming up on the first anniversary of my mom’s death this next week, I know that God is with me. I know that I can run to Him, for He is my place of true comfort. This second year is one I feel confident that God will grow and stretch me even more so. I’m excited to see how He will work in my heart to change it and make me more like Christ. I would like to invite you to join me as I walk through the next day, week, month, and year through His grace. 🙂

~Natalie

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Audios

Hey there…I wanted to say that I’ll be taking a long break from blogging. I don’t know if I’ll pick it up again. I know I was not consistent in writing anyways, but it’s been brought to my attention several times that what I write is too personal and I am sharing too many  details about my life.

I apologize if my writing was too personal. The feelings I couldn’t talk about to anyone were easier to express through writing. The few people who knew I wrote a blog questioned why I put my writings on the Internet. They wanted to know if I was trying to get attention or they worried that my generation was so used to sharing every detail about their lives on social media, that I was just like everyone else. Well here’s the truth: I didn’t write anything to help anyone or to gain attention for myself. I originally started to seriously write in this blog as an avenue to help me cope with my mothers death. It was a quick and easy way for me to write on my phone or laptop…whatever was closest to me at that moment. So no, it was only for me. 

It was started for a selfish purpose and it’ll end selfishly too. If what I’m sharing is too personal, then I’ll keep it personal; tucked away inside me where no one will have to wonder whether whether what I’m sharing is too much.

Thank you to everyone who has read or commented on my blog so far. It was nice while it lasted.

Goodbye.

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Struggling With Loneliness

  
Lonely. Sometimes I just feel so lonely. I don’t know why. I have friends and family and coworkers who care about me and keep up with me on a consistent basis, so I shouldn’t feel so alone.

But I do.

Sometimes I feel like I’m standing in the middle of a busy crowd and yet, it’s like I don’t even exist or make a ripple in the sea of people.

It’s almost a physical ache. Loneliness feels empty inside. Even though I know logically that I am not alone, I am battling the psychological feeling of being all by myself.

While I enjoy having time alone, being by myself and feeling lonely are two separate things. I’m an introvert and like to relax and unwind by being quiet and being left to myself. However, feeling lonely is like knowing you’re stranded on a deserted island with no one for miles around to hear you cry.

I feel like I’ve taken up a residence on the Isle of Loneliness. 

It’s a continuous struggle for me to remember that even though I feel alone, I am NEVER truly alone. I found some verses that are helping me to believe and trust in God’s promise that He will never leave me alone.

“Your God, the Lord himself, will be with you. He will not fail you or abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

“When they call to me, I will answer them; when they are in trouble, I will be with them.” Psalm 91:15(a)

“If the Lord had not helped me, I would have gone quickly to the land of silence. I said, ‘I am falling’; but your constant love, O Lord, held me up.” Psalm 94:17, 18

“Do not be afraid. I will save you. I have called you by name—you are mine. When you pass through deep waters, I will be with you; your troubles will not overwhelm you. When you pass through fire, you will not be burned; the hard trials that come will not hurt you. For I am the Lord, your God. … because you are precious to me and because I love you and give you honor, do not be afraid—I am with you!” Isaiah 43:1-5

“I will be with you always, to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:20 

“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.” John 14:18 

“No one stood by me the first time I defended myself; all deserted me. … But the Lord stayed with me and gave me strength.” 2 Timothy 4:16,17

I know that this may seem like a small trial to some people, but for me it’s a daily struggle to believe that I am not alone. However, these verses help remind me that God is working through me to grow my trust in Him, which is ultimately for my good. He is making me more like Christ in this manner to the end that it will bring Him glory.

~N

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My Heart Weeps

Why are family members the hardest people to get along with? Why is it they bring us the most pain? Is it because our love for them runs so deep that when they hurt us physically and emotionally, we stagger to comprehend it?

I don’t understand why this happens. My family is so fractured right now. I’m caught in the middle…I’m forced to choose sides between two people that I love dearly; one I relate to in almost every single way and one that I struggle to understand because they are different from me.

The one family member I have a hard time relating to constantly frustrates me. I try so hard to be patient and listen to him explain his side of the story to me. I try to understand where he’s coming from, to get all the facts of the matter before coming to a conclusion/opinion. But no matter how much I try to reason with him, he won’t listen to me. He doesn’t want to take my counsel or that of anyone else’s (because he doesn’t need counseling – he’s got this on his own!). I know I can’t make him change, only God is capable of that, but my heart cries out for him to just listen for once! To see through his arrogance, selfishness, and self-pitying attitude. He’s grappling with tough decisions right now, so I know he’s  going through a lot…but why does it hurt so much when he tells you to your face “I just don’t care about the family anymore”. My heart is broken and my soul weeps for the family I once had.

I act as the mediator for the arguments within my family. But I get so tired of being manipulated and pulled between the two people I love. My heart is burdened by this weight of discord. We proclaim ourselves to be Christians yet we cannot seem to live at peace in our own home. The Bible clearly states that we are to “if possible, live at peace with one another” (Romans 12:18). We cannot even do that. 

Sure, on the outside we look like the triumphant family who has come through adversity together and survived; but really, if you were to look past our carefully painted on smiles, you would see that we are all drowning, drowning in a sea of loneliness, anger, fear, and doubt. 
I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel for my family. These past two weeks have been some of the hardest for me since I lost my mom. I’m literally broken. I don’t know what to do or how to react. I’m tore because my family is torn. How do I help pick up the shattered pieces of what was once a happy family and try to put them back together. 
I feel like my family is a glass vase and it was dropped and shattered into millions of pieces. I took the pieces and put them slowly back together while getting small nicks on my hands. And with each successive argument that has taken place within my home, the glass vase keeps getting shattered and my hands bleed a little more as I try to mend it.

I think either the vase has finally broken beyond repair or my hands are just too bloody to hold the pieces anymore. I don’t know…

Oh God, what do I do? How did this happen? Oh Lord above, please help me. I’m a broken vessel myself…help me put  the pieces back together once more.

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